No-strings relationships
The term, the agreement, and the part rarely discussed: how to say it plainly.
Irtosuhde in Finnish means a relationship without commitments that the parties have agreed on in advance — it is about the clarity of the agreement, not about things happening by accident. There is practically no separate class of platforms for this format in Finland: the arrangements come about on ordinary dating services, where people state plainly in their profile what they are looking for. What works here is not the choice of site but how directly it is put, and settling a few things before meeting. Since 1 January 2023 Finnish sexual offences law has been built on consent, and consent can be withdrawn at any moment.
What irtosuhde means and how it differs from neighbouring words
Finnish terminology is more precise here than English, and it is worth understanding even if you communicate in English: these are the words people use to describe themselves in profiles.
Irtosuhde is a relationship without commitments. The key part of the word is not “without commitments” but the fact that both sides agreed on it. A format nobody agreed on is called a misunderstanding, and it usually ends badly for both.
Seuranhaku is the broadest term, looking for company without specifying the format. This is how most Finnish platforms describe themselves.
Avoliitto means living together without marriage, the exact opposite in meaning, although in English both are sometimes rendered as an “informal relationship”. They should not be confused: avoliitto has legal consequences.
Ystävyyssuhde means friendship, and in profiles the word usually does mean friendship rather than a euphemism.
The practical point of the distinction is simple. Someone who has written “etsin irtosuhdetta” in a profile has told you the format in advance and spared both of you an awkward discovery two weeks later. That is not rudeness, it is saving time.
Why this is an ordinary subject in Finland
The reasons are structural, and talk about declining morals has nothing to do with them.
According to Tilastokeskus, in 2025 there were 1 339 726 single-person households in Finland — about 46.7 per cent of all households. In Helsinki they are more than half.
The average age at first marriage in 2025 was 32.6 for women and 34.4 for men. Between reaching adulthood and a first marriage, the average person passes fifteen years or so of adult life, and for most of that time is not in a formalised relationship.
In that same year 22 082 marriages were concluded in the country and 11 795 dissolved. In other words, a significant share of adults come back to dating not at twenty but at forty and fifty, with different experience and different expectations.
The ordinariness of the subject follows from that arithmetic. The format of a relationship without commitments exists not because someone does not want a family, but because the periods between relationships are long and people decide differently how to fill them.
Where people looking for this actually are
The answer will disappoint anyone hunting for a specialist platform: essentially there is not one.
In a survey by Yle together with the University of Turku, about 20 per cent of Finns are actively dating, and 80 per cent of those do it through an app. The most common service is Tinder: 60 per cent of everyone who had tried a dating service had used it.
So the bulk of people are on large general-purpose apps rather than on niche sites. Finnish platforms such as Suomi24 Treffit, E-kontakti and Deitti.net also work in the seuranhaku format, that is, the broad one: everyone states their own format in the profile text.
Niche services for a specific format are mostly international in Finland, with a translated interface and a contract with a foreign company. That does not make them bad, but it does mean a dispute takes longer to resolve and support often works only in English.
The practical conclusion is this. The choice of platform matters less here than the wording of the profile. Someone with a clearly stated request will find a match even on a general app, and someone who deals in hints will find one nowhere — because everyone reads a hint differently.
How to say it plainly without sounding crude
The part every review skips, although it is the part that determines the outcome.
Being direct and being crude are not the same thing, and the difference lies in what you are talking about. Crude is a message about the other person’s body, which you have nothing to do with yet. Direct is a message about your own format: what you are looking for and what you are not.
A wording that works usually has three parts: what you are looking for, what you are not looking for, and respect for the other person’s no. For example: looking for something light with no plans for the future, not looking for a relationship right now, and if the format does not match that is completely fine, have a good evening.
Three things are worth writing in the profile itself rather than working out over messages: the format, the town, and the fact that you respect a refusal. This filters out mismatches before either of you has spent a week.
What not to do. Do not start with hints in the hope that the other person will work it out: the guess is usually wrong, and afterwards somebody feels deceived. Do not pretend you are looking for a relationship in order to “see how it goes” — that is the single most common cause of conflict on this subject. And do not push after a refusal: a refusal is not the opening of a negotiation.
And the same rule from the other side. If someone answered you plainly and the format did not match, the best thing to do is thank them and stop. You do not want to explain to the person who told you the truth that they are wrong.
What to agree on before meeting
The list is short, and every item on it came out of somebody else’s unpleasant experience. Discussing this in advance is awkward exactly once; not discussing it is awkward later and for longer.
- Format and frequency: a one-off meeting or something continuing, and how often
- Exclusivity: whether you are seeing other people and whether you say so
- Health and protection — discussed beforehand, not on the spot
- Confidentiality: whether you tell anyone and what exactly
- What to do if someone’s feelings change or they start a relationship
- How you end it: an agreement that either of you can say “enough” without explaining
Consent: how it works under Finnish law
This is not an abstraction but a legal framework in force, and both sides should know about it.
Since 1 January 2023 Finnish sexual offences law has been built on consent. The formulation is simple: it is rape if a person has sexual intercourse with someone who is not taking part voluntarily.
Voluntariness means three things at once: the person is taking part of their own will, has sufficient capacity and freedom to make the decision, and expresses that will by actions or words beforehand. Silence and passivity do not count as consent — the will has to be expressed.
And the thing that matters most in this context: consent can be withdrawn at any moment. A person has the right to refuse to continue at any time, even if they expressed consent to begin with. The other person’s will has to be respected from start to finish.
In practice this means that an agreement reached over messages is not consent at the meeting. Messages are about format and expectations. Consent is given here and now, and it is reversible.
The format of the relationship makes no difference to this rule. An agreement that there are no commitments cancels none of the above and creates no rights.
Safety: the same rules as everywhere else
This format requires nothing specific, but it grants no relaxations either — rather the opposite, because the meeting usually happens sooner than after a long acquaintance.
The first meeting: in a public place, in your own transport, with the option of leaving at any moment. Someone close to you knows where you are, who with, and what time you plan to be back.
Five minutes before meeting is worth spending: a reverse image search and a short unannounced video call filter out most fake profiles.
Money is never sent to a person you have not seen in the flesh, under any circumstances — that rule is not specific to this format but applies to all dating without exception.
If a meeting starts to feel wrong, leave without explaining. In an emergency, 112. Support for victims: Rikosuhripäivystys, 116 006, free of charge.
This is covered in more detail in our safety section, and there is not a single affiliate link there — deliberately.
How to end it without turning it into a conflict
The ending is the most underrated part of the format. People agree about the beginning readily; almost nobody thinks about the end, and that is exactly where things go wrong.
The first thing that helps: an agreement about ending, reached in advance. The line “either of us can say enough without explaining” sounds almost formal at the start and does its work months later — it takes away from both the feeling that they have to justify themselves.
The second: end it in words, not by vanishing. Silence instead of an answer looks like a convenient solution for exactly one day, and after that leaves the other person in a suspended state from which they will keep writing. One short message saves both of you a week.
The third: do not explain the reason in detail. A lengthy explanation sounds like an invitation to negotiate and almost always gets objections point by point. “This no longer works for me, thank you for the time” is a complete formulation and needs no continuation.
The fourth: do not turn the ending into a verdict on the person. The format ended — that does not mean something is wrong with them, and there is no form in which that needs to be said.
And something worth thinking about in advance: what you do with the messages and photographs. Deleting what was sent to you is a normal gesture that is usually not asked for but is noticed. And if you sent something yourself, asking for it to be deleted in a calm moment is far easier than after a quarrel.
Separately: if your “enough” was met with pressure, resentment or threats to tell someone something, this is no longer about the format of a relationship. That is covered in the safety section.
Who this format does not suit
An honest section, because the format is far from suiting everyone, and it is better to work that out in advance.
If you are agreeing to it in the hope that it will grow into a relationship over time, it does not suit you. That is the most common scenario that ends badly, and it ends badly for the one who was hoping.
If you find it hard to say no or to set boundaries, this is not the format to start with. It rests precisely on both sides being able to speak plainly.
If you are going through a break-up or a divorce right now, it is worth at least being clear with yourself about why you are doing this. That is not a prohibition and not a judgement; it is just that in such a period expectations and reality diverge particularly badly.
And if a clear agreement in itself strikes you as something cold, another format may suit you better, and that is a perfectly normal conclusion.
What to discuss in advance and why
| Subject | What to settle | Why before rather than after |
|---|---|---|
| Format | A one-off meeting or something continuing | Mismatched expectations are the main cause of conflict |
| Exclusivity | Whether you see others and whether you say so | Saying nothing is read as a promise |
| Health | Protection and testing | On the spot it is too late and too awkward |
| Confidentiality | Who may be told and what | Differing ideas of privacy hurt the most |
| Ending it | Either of you can end it without explaining | Removes the sense of having to keep going |
| Consent | Withdrawable at any moment | That is how Finnish law has worked since 1.1.2023 |
The legal part follows Rikosuhripäivystys material on the law that took effect on 1.1.2023.
Frequently asked
What does irtosuhde mean in Finnish?
A relationship without commitments that the parties agreed on in advance. The key part of the term is not “without commitments” but the existence of an agreement: a format nobody agreed on is called a misunderstanding. Do not confuse it with avoliitto, which is living together without marriage and does have legal consequences.
Are there dedicated sites for this format in Finland?
Practically none. The Finnish platforms — Suomi24 Treffit, E-kontakti, Deitti.net — work in the broad seuranhaku format, where everyone states their own format in their profile. Niche services are mostly international, with a contract with a foreign company and support often in English only. The choice of platform matters less than how directly it is put.
How do I state my format without sounding crude?
Crude is a message about the other person’s body. Direct is a message about your own format. A wording that works has three parts: what you are looking for, what you are not, and respect for a refusal. The format, the town and your willingness to accept a no belong in the profile itself rather than in the messages.
What should be agreed before a first meeting?
Six things: format and frequency, whether you are seeing others, health and protection, confidentiality, what to do if feelings change, and how you end it. An agreement that either of you can end it without explaining removes most future conflicts.
How does consent work under Finnish law?
Since 1.1.2023 sexual offences law has been built on consent: it is rape if a person has intercourse with someone who is not taking part voluntarily. Voluntariness has to be expressed by actions or words — silence does not count as consent. Consent can be withdrawn at any moment, even if it was given to begin with.
How do I end a relationship without commitments?
In words, not by vanishing: one short message saves both of you a week of being left hanging. Do not explain the reason in detail — a lengthy explanation sounds like an invitation to negotiate. “This no longer works for me, thank you for the time” is a complete formulation. The agreement that either of you can end it without explaining is better reached at the start than at the end.
Does an agreement over messages count as consent?
No. Messages set the format and the expectations, but consent is given on the spot and is reversible at any minute. An agreement that there are no commitments does not cancel that rule and creates no rights. The other person’s will has to be respected from start to finish.
How does irtosuhde differ from avoliitto?
They are opposites, although in English both are sometimes rendered similarly. Irtosuhde is a relationship without commitments by agreement. Avoliitto is living together without marriage, and in Finland it has legal consequences. They should not be confused: the second creates rights and duties, the first does not.
Is it normal to discuss the format before a first meeting?
It is not merely normal but sensible. A format nobody agreed on is called a misunderstanding and ends badly for both. Someone who has stated in their profile what they are looking for and what they are not saves both sides time. What puts people off is vagueness, not directness.
What if expectations diverge once things are under way?
Say so straight away and in words. Feelings can change on either side, and that is one of the six things better agreed in advance. Staying silent in the hope that it will sort itself out is the most common scenario that ends badly — and badly for the one who stayed silent.
Sources
- RIKU: the new sexual offences law from 1.1.2023 — consent and its withdrawal
- Tilastokeskus: households — 1 339 726 single-person households, 2025
- Tilastokeskus: marriages and divorces 2025 — 22 082 marriages, average age 32.6 / 34.4
- Yle: 53 per cent of Finnish adults have tried a dating service — survey with the University of Turku, 2024
- Rikosuhripäivystys (RIKU) — support for victims, 116 006
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